Peacock's Stance and not a boxer's;
Or the misunderstood "Vulnerability"

When it comes to dating and relationships, one of the most common desires expressed by women, yet often misunderstood by men, is the concept of vulnerability.

Women often ask their partners to "open up more" or "be more vulnerable." However, many men have experienced situations where being open and vulnerable seemed to make them appear weak or less attractive, sometimes leading to being ghosted or abandoned. This has caused some men to view vulnerability as a trap, with warnings like "don't bleed in front of the shark."

The root of this issue lies in the misinterpretation of what vulnerability truly means in a relationship context.

The Peacock

Consider the male peacock's behavior when trying to attract a female. He fans out his large, colorful feathers, making himself vulnerable to various threats and drawing the attention of predators. His message is, "I can afford to be this vulnerable and handle it with grace." This display of vulnerability is attractive to the female because she sees that he can survive and thrive despite the risks.

The Boxer

In contrast, a boxer in a match always tries to protect their weak spots and be less vulnerable. They can't afford vulnerability in a dangerous situation. Imagine approaching a woman in a boxing stance—she probably wouldn't appreciate it.

Now, consider the opposite approach: approaching her with vulnerability. Stand straight, expose your neck, be calm, and keep your hands and shoulders relaxed, without a mouth guard. In this posture, you'd be less able to defend yourself if attacked, but you're communicating, "It's all fine. I can handle this."

I will be just fine

Now, how would you apply this in your relationship, or in dating?
By allowing yourself to get hurt, while knowing that you will be just fine.

Some examples:

When a man confesses his feelings: He is risking rejection. He is risking getting hurt.
When a man admits he's wrong and owns up to his mistakes
When he is open about his flaws.
When he expresses himself and his opinions freely: he risks being judged.
When he aims high: he risks failure.
When he is open about being sad or hurt or about his emotions. Or When he does something that is not traditionally "manly": he risks not being perceived "strong" or "manly".

The key to all of this is where you come from: from inner desperation or inner strength?

Inner Strength: the real thing women are asking for.

Think about all the examples above. All of them can both attract a woman or push her away.

When you confess your love towards a woman, it is important why you are doing it?

You are scared that you will lose her and you cannot handle the pain of life without her?
You know you are strong inside; if she leaves or rejects you, you will be hurt, perhaps a lot, but you can totally handle it gracefully. You will continue living your life and wishing her the best in life.

When you are open about your flaws or insecurities:

You share them seeking reassurance and validation from her that you are still good enough. You need her to soothe your insecurities.
You share openly and honestly, knowing that your flaws and insecurities don't define your worth. You can handle if she judges you for them. You share to create intimacy and connection.

When you express yourself openly and risk being judged:

You hold back your true thoughts and opinions out of fear that she won't approve. You mold yourself to what you think she wants.
You express yourself authentically, even if she may disagree. You know your own mind and aren't afraid to respectfully speak it. Her approval doesn't determine your self-esteem.

When you aim high and risk failure:

You play it safe and don't take chances, afraid she'll think less of you if you fail. You need her to see you as successful to feel worthy.
You go after your dreams and ambitions, knowing that your worth isn't tied to the outcome. If you fail, you'll dust yourself off and keep going. Her belief in you is a bonus, not a necessity.

Can you see the pattern?

Can't fake The Inner Strength

We humans are quite good at detecting real strength vs. fake, pretentious strength. And women tend to be even better than man in this matter. So, do not try to fake it. Truly build your inner strength

How to build it?

I will talk about it extensively in another blog, but here are the main points in building inner strength:

Develop a strong sense of self
- Know your values, principles, and boundaries. Have conviction in them regardless of others' opinions.
- Build self-esteem and self-worth that is intrinsic, not dependent on external validation.
- Pursue your own goals and purpose. Let a woman complement your life, not be your entire life.
Embrace your emotions
- Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions, including fear, sadness, and pain. Repressing them only gives them more power.
- Learn healthy ways to process and express emotions, like journaling, art, exercise, or talking to a trusted friend/therapist.
- Recognize that experiencing emotions, even painful ones, is part of the human experience and doesn't make you weak.
Face your fears
- Identify your fears and insecurities. Shine a light on them rather than hiding from them.
- Take small steps to challenge yourself and expand your comfort zone. Facing fears builds resilience.
- Reframe failure and rejection as opportunities for growth and learning, not threats to your worth.
Practice self-compassion
- Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in times of struggle. Talk to yourself like you would a good friend.
- Forgive yourself for mistakes. Acknowledge you're human and imperfect like everyone else.
- Prioritize self-care. Taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional needs is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Be authentic
- Share your true thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others, even when it feels scary.
- Risk being seen for who you really are. The right people will appreciate and connect with your authenticity.
- Set boundaries and say no when needed. Authenticity includes honoring your own needs and limits.

When you are vulnerable, you let her be vulnerable as well.

Provided that you are doing it right - from position of inner strength -

When you allow yourself to be vulnerable from a place of inner strength, you create a safe space for your partner to do the same. Vulnerability begets vulnerability. By courageously sharing your authentic self, you invite her to remove her own masks and defenses.

This mutual vulnerability is the foundation of true intimacy and connection. When both partners feel secure enough to reveal their deepest fears, insecurities, hopes and dreams to each other, without fear of judgment or rejection, the relationship reaches a profound level of understanding and acceptance.

Your vulnerability gives her permission to be imperfect too. She no longer needs to present a flawless facade, because you've shown that it's okay to be human, to struggle, to have doubts and make mistakes. This freedom to be real, warts and all, is an immense relief and removes so much pressure and performance anxiety from the relationship.

Furthermore, when she sees you handle your vulnerability with grace and resilience, trusting that you'll be okay no matter what, it builds her confidence in your strength as a partner. She learns that she can count on you to weather life's storms together. Your vulnerability doesn't diminish your masculinity, it enhances it with emotional depth and maturity.

In this way, vulnerability from inner strength creates a positive feedback loop in the relationship. The more you open up, the safer she feels to open up, the deeper your connection grows, the more resilient you both become, individually and as a couple. You're not just baring your souls, you're building a bond that can withstand the tests of time.

Of course, this level of vulnerability requires immense trust and should be revealed gradually as the relationship develops. It's a precious gift to be handled with care, not carelessly splashed around. But when offered appropriately, with wisdom and intention, vulnerability is the key to unlocking the most fulfilling, passionate and enduring love.

So to all the men out there hesitating to embrace vulnerability: know that you're not weak for exposing your tender underbelly. You're incredibly strong and brave. By daring to be vulnerable, you're not just attracting a woman, you're inviting a profound love and partnership into your life. And that's worth bleeding a little for.

Vulnerability for Women

While we've primarily focused on men's vulnerability in relationships, it's equally important to acknowledge and encourage vulnerability in women.

Just like men, women have been socialized to hide certain parts of themselves. They may feel pressure to always appear pleasant, accommodating, and emotionally stable, even when they're struggling inside. They may fear that expressing their needs, setting boundaries, or revealing their imperfections will make them less desirable or lovable.

However, vulnerability is just as crucial for women in creating authentic, intimate relationships. When a woman allows herself to be seen fully, including her fears, doubts, and weaknesses, she gives her partner the opportunity to truly know and love her. She releases the exhausting burden of maintaining a perfect image and grants herself the freedom to be human.

Moreover, a woman's vulnerability can have a profound impact on her male partner. When a man witnesses his partner's vulnerability, it can melt away his own defenses and inspire him to meet her with empathy and tenderness. Her vulnerability is a powerful invitation for him to reciprocate emotional openness and create a deeper bond.

Of course, women's vulnerability should also come from a place of inner strength. It's not about collapsing into helplessness or expecting her partner to fix her. It's about having the courage to show up authentically while knowing she can handle whatever arises. It's about being open to receiving support while ultimately being responsible for her own well-being.

When both partners commit to vulnerability from inner strength, they create a sacred space of trust, acceptance, and growth in the relationship. They support each other's soft spots while celebrating each other's resilience. They build a love that is not based on perfection, but on the beauty of shared humanity.

So to all the women reading this: your vulnerability is not a weakness, it is your superpower. By daring to reveal your authentic self, you invite true intimacy and connection into your life. You give your partner the precious gift of knowing you fully, and you give yourself the gift of being fully loved.

Embrace your vulnerability. Let it soften you without making you fragile. Let it open you without leaving you exposed. Let it connect you without making you dependent.

When you do, you'll discover that vulnerability is the path to the deepest, most fulfilling love - the love that sees all of you and cherishes you because of it, not in spite of it. That is the love you deserve.

Peacock's Stance and not a boxer's; Or the misunderstood "Vulnerability"